You know that moment when you actually GET something, like you REALLY GET IT?  The day my brother said that… I GOT IT.  It was one of those life lessons that everybody talks about, preaches about and counsels about, one of those topics filling the pages of self help books that would make life so much more bearable if they were just truly understood deep within the fibers of our being. It was an “AHA” moment where the sky opens up and the light shines down and my mind said “THAT is IT”!

If we did not have  negatives (like anger, fear and sadness) we would not know how to understand and appreciate blessings.  In fact, we wouldn’t even have blessings, because everything in the world would be monotonous, normal, average and boring.  Without opposites, we wouldn’t even know our lives were average and boring, for we would just simply “be”.

If we never had our hearts broken, we wouldn’t know what it meant to be loved.  If we never met someone that was just a “neat person”, but there was no chemistry, we wouldn’t now how to seek out chemistry, and that would be boring (and we wouldn’t even know it)!  If we never messed up, we wouldn’t know that we were supposed to improve.  If we never fought, we would not understand the concept of peace.  If we never suffered, we would not know bliss. If we didn’t argue, we would never make up.

And therefore, none of these negative emotions should be allowed to overpower or cripple what is good.  With the power of opposites comes the offering of change and renewal.  If there is a negative emotion weighing you down, there is an opposite for you to start seeking out… RIGHT NOW.  If the emotion is painful, it might take time, but that is OK.  This power of change is yours alone (because we do not change other people-AHA moment).

How often have you heard “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”  (Alfred Lord Tennyson). So did you GET it?  I did! I would rather risk all the heartbreak in the world and lay it all out on the table, in all facets of my life, so that I can feel all of the goodness.  I am not afraid of you pain, grief, saddness or anger.  I know your opposites well, and they make it all worth it.

I know my language(s), and even though my husband never took the quiz, over a decade of being with him has allowed me to take a good guess at his.  I find it really hard to remember to consistently think about the way he likes to be loved, when I inherently have my own natural way of loving.  And I can certainly assure you that he never thinks about the kind of love I need!  Why?  Because this is hard to do, and sometimes it is a lot to ask amidst all of life’s responsibilities.  I have determined that it is also might be a little selfish to demand to be loved in certain ways, without at least TRYING to appreciate the other ways love comes to you.

My conversation with girlfriends on this topic when we were out of town made me wonder why I couldn’t just get used to the way my husband loves me.  This does not mean that we shouldn’t constantly try to provide the type of love our spouse needs; I don’t want to imply that at all.  We should all keep trying! 

BUT… what if I started learning to notice and appreciate the way my husband offers his love?  Could this be enough?  If I paid attention would I understand and soak in the love that was all around?  Let’s see.  My husband shows love by making me a huge garden, and a patio for my wine barrel so I could make a table out of it.  He designed a special gate for the garden out of branches from our yard that has my favorite letter in the middle, which just happens to be the initial of my first and our last name, along with the first initial of our child and all of our pets. He works hard for this family. He does things that many might not think of as LOVE in terms of romantic, sexy, movie love, but it IS LOVE. 

The other weekend after our girl discussion about love languages, we were back at our campsite and there was a huge dark cloud hovering in the distance, night was rolling in, and the forecast was shady.  Two of the husbands set up this huge tarp to keep us all dry.  As they were setting it up, one of my friends who was involved in the conversation initially, and whose husband was part of the set-up team, looked at me and smiled, nodding her head to the boys and said “love language!”  They were showing love by taking care of everyone.  (Don’t tell them I called it love, they might be offended that it doesn’t sound too manly, when they were really completing the manly task of providing shelter!)

If you always expect romantic movie star love, but your spouse isn’t wired to give that to you, you will be disappointed, and they will have no idea why.  That is really unfortunate for all parties involved! Start taking the cues that are given to you.  Learn that love can come in so many forms, and it doesn’t always involve candles and lacey things.  PAY ATTENTION! You are probably more loved than you know!

Clearly, any job or career, especially in this day and age, is a very important and necessary part of life. Even with the massive increase of dual-income households and (more) equality in the workplace, there seems to be great difficulty for the average household to find a balance between ego, social stigma and economic pressure as it relates to dual careers in one home. The battle over job importance, along with the importance of managing a household and/or raising children, can severely tax a marriage.

Regardless of what battles you might have on the home front about this issue, there are a few very important points that should be emphasized before you decide to start an unfortunate fight.

#1: Jobs are important, especially in this economy. AKA: JOBS are GOOD!

#2: Hard work is important. If you have a spouse who works hard and respects his or her job and its importance to the family’s well-being, this is GOOD!  If you also work hard and respect the value of your work, you should give yourself a high five.  Good work ethic is something that you will pass on to your children, just watch.

#3: If sometimes you think your spouse focuses too much on work, but they do it out of loyalty to both their company and to your family’s greater good and bright future, this is GOOD! 

If you need to discuss work/life balance with your counterpart, never do it in an accusatory manner. The key to blending the crazy lifestyle of a two job/career household really comes down to RESPECT: respect for the work you are both doing outside and inside the home, and respect for how the outside influences and stresses affect the dynamics in your home. Does one of you work way more hours than the other, have a longer commute, or have a high-stress position?  These are all factors to think about before one of you picks a fight about work.  There has to be balance, but there has to be income coming in too! If you think you aren’t getting respect, then you best make sure you are giving it first before you fly off the handle.

If you think your spouse is one who is defined by their career to some extent, that is probably how they are wired and maybe you should let them own that a little bit. So go forth, be respectful, help each other out, and then take yourselves on vacation for all of that hard work you’re doing.

Who were you on your wedding day? Why did your husband marry you? Is that girl still inside you?

We all grow and change with the years passing by; with life’s events and changing circumstances. For every person that says “people don’t change”, there is someone out there proving that they do. As we enter new stages in life, we start molding to our new obligations, moving from a world of youthful freedom to a world of responsibility. True, we all need to grow up, but more importantly we need to grow together.

On your wedding day, you imagine that all of the fun parts of your spouse will stick, and all those that need a little “work” will be altered and fixed over time. Don’t laugh- I am sure that almost EVERYONE has these same thoughts. Now imagine that all of the stuff you thought would get “fixed” never did, and all the fun parts went away! What do you have left? A distant longing for what you thought you were going to have for eternity. Now that’s depressing!

Let’s review the meaning of fun (for this article’s purpose). “Fun” can be many things: funny, humorous, spontaneous, whimsical, outgoing, interested in you, interesting, and can also include sex and romance. It also resembles that internal spark of dreams and hopes and excitement that we all have before life seems to get in the way.

Can you be “responsible” and “fun” at the same time? I know numerous women who wrestle with these two seemingly opposite classifications. It is unfair that we should have to choose. WHY do they have to seem and feel so opposite?

Did the “bride” on your wedding day have any of those fun qualities? Does she now? Don’t start pointing fingers at your spouses yet ladies; we all know deep down that change starts with us. Whatever your husband has lost, you may not be able to totally control, but you might be able to help him get that groom back by getting YOU back. Wherever the bride is now… it’s time to go find her. STAT!

Attitude #1: What About Me!
It is easy, being the self-centered humans we are, to see the world through a very narrow, myopic viewpoint. It takes thought and consistent effort to understand other people’s points of view and perceptions. Why do you need to do this? Newsflash: it’s actually NOT all about you! It’s all about WE! That is why we decide to co-habitate/marry/share a bed. And if you have decided to add any other living beings into this WE arrangement, you certainly have a lot of things to care about besides yourself. Turn the ME into WE and watch what happens.

Attitude #2: I am Entitled!
There isn’t really anything you do that “entitles” you to a perpetual “I deserve it!” attitude.  Thoughts like “I work really hard, so I can sit on the couch all night every night” or, “I do so much for this family, I can go spend or do whatever I want” are serious problems (see ME vs. WE above). If you are in a union of WE, you are entitled to make sure everyone in your WE’s needs are provided for. You are entitled to have shelter and food (and yes, some fun too)! It is all about the attitude, and a pompous “I deserve it!” attitude is really draining to those around you. I would bet that your spouse or significant other would be much happier to let you have certain things or do certain things if you didn’t have such a ME attitude, and if you asked nicely!

Attitude #3: Gloom and Doom
It’s the end of the world (and tomorrow it’s going to be the end of the world again!). Downer attitudes can dramatically affect everyone around you, especially those in your household. Being positive often takes work, just like thinking about other people. A nice goodbye in the morning and a cheerful, positive greeting each evening can really set the mood. There are definitely hardships in life that warrant a down attitude, but think about your gripes compared to those in the rest of the world for perspective. That long meeting that went into your lunch break doesn’t qualify, unless you invited yourself to a pity party.

I am going to go drop these three attitudes in the trash now- maybe you should too!

What this husband experienced, although seemingly selfish and irresponsible, is what some of us gals call Caveman mode.  To some modern women, letting a man go into this mode without a fight sounds ridiculous.  But Laura did, and for her family it was the right thing.

Caveman mode can happen at any time in a man’s life.  It can happen for a few hours, or even a few years (yes, God forbid that long).  It can also happen numerous times a year in short episodes (unless you married a super-husband).  It isn’t always a dramatic moment where you think your marriage will end or that your love is over, but it may make you feel that way if you let it get the best of you.  The Caveman experience might include a way-too-late night out with friends or 10 hours straight of NFL on TV in the dark in bed.  For the author of the article it was months and months of wondering if her husband would come out of it and if their marriage would survive- surely the hardest and most emotional type of Caveman episode there is.

I have experienced two noteworthy Caveman sessions with my husband, and they were torture.  They weren’t six months, but were long enough, always at pivotal times in our lives with a lot of change going on.  Even though my husband might not admit it, I know that at these times he had to “go internal” to think about where he was in life regarding his goals, his career, and what his next steps were going to be.  Overall, I didn’t do anything to cause him to do this, however I also probably pushed him to stay in this mode longer than necessary through my lack of understanding.  During one of these times I thought it WAS me, and due to his complete inability at the time to emotionally connect with me (and the fact that I was a pregnant hormonal disaster), it ate me up inside.  Yes, pure torture, but anytime I tried to push back or fight against it, it made it worse, which was even more infuriating.  While I want to talk and hug and gush about my emotions, my husband needs time, space, quiet, peace, TV, etc.

Each woman has to make the call herself if it is worth it to fight the Caveman.  For me, it’s not.  Some men are very good about communicating about their feelings, but most that I know aren’t.  If they aren’t, usually a fight against a Caveman ends in a bloody battle and a longer stint in the cave, but patience with a Caveman can make him come out of the cave faster.  Is Caveman mode fair?  Absolutely not.  But you did, after all, marry the guy (yes, I did!).

If we hit a Caveman mode again, I think I am ready to approach it differently without it just draining me.  I loved in Munson’s article how one day he just came back and mowed the lawn and fixed things around the house and got over whatever it was that had kept him away in his heart. My husband has done the same on his Caveman stints, where all of a sudden he is cooking me dinner or doing something romantic and he is just over it!

I applaud Munson’s ability to be steadfast in her love and loyalty.  She believed in their love, and sometimes having someone believe in something that you can’t at the moment is all you need to keep going.  As long as at least one of you is in love with the other at any given time, and you are both loyal, keep the faith!  Perhaps Munson is the ultimate Nicer Wife!

An excerpt:
I had good days, and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.

Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not — it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.

Munson’s Article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

The other day my husband asked me in his typical brisk tone “Where’d you get those sunglasses?”  I could have answered like a nice, normal human being and said I bought them for ten bucks last summer.  But NO!  The first words out of my mouth were “Why… do you HATE these TOO?” in an ultra-snotty tone.  (Background on sunglasses- I got a new pair that he doesn’t like.  The ones I happen to be wearing this particular day were a year old. Side note- hello? a year later you are asking me about them? But the real point is that I was on the defensive about any conversation regarding my choice in sunglasses).  He gave me that “Geesh, sorry for asking!” attitude, and rightfully so.  I do believe he went on to say something about me being crazy.

So what if he doesn’t remember my cheap #2 pair of sunglasses I have had forever (he is a man- sorry guys, observation is not your forte).  So what if he told me he didn’t really care for the new pair I got.  My defensive attitude made me sound like a (insert bad word here).  All of that defensive ’tude I had build up from previous conversations came out in one mighty guffaw.  And, let’s point out the real problem here- it was about SUNGLASSES! How important is that in the whole scheme of life?  Yah, exactly.  People are starving in the world.  Some don’t have jobs or homes.  So really, please tell me how a snooty conversation about sunglasses is remotely important!

Living your life on the defensive is really no fun for anyone.  It is unhealthy for you, and really exhausting to your spouse.  Consistent defensive attitudes do numerous things to hurt relationships.
1. They create anger and frustration.
2. They start the alienation process and create an emotional divide.
3. They feed off each other and escalate!

For some, a defensive attitude might be hit or miss, whereas others might actually be living with one constantly without even realizing it.  While this true story about sunglasses might seem silly, there are numerous interactions daily that can put us on the defensive, whether they be with our spouse, coworkers, friends or even children. Even if someone approaches you with a rough attitude, you don’t need to return the favor. There are ways to combat your defensiveness!  Do it for your spouse, and for all humankind!

1.  Think before you speak!  Ah, the timeless classic.  Do you do this?  I certainly don’t all the time, but I am getting better!  Just a few seconds to pause about what you are about to say can be all you need to stifle an unneccessary attitude.

2.  Change your tone of voice.  Yet another classic.  Tone is the number one instigator of defensive attitudes, and yes, fights!  Remember on 3 Men and a Baby when Tom Selleck is reading the baby the sports section?  He said something to the effect of “It doesn’t matter what I read, it is all about the tone!” It works on babies, and it will work on your spouse!

3. Evaluate your attitude’s level of importance. You can only do this step after pausing to give yourself time to think. Is your defensive attitude  a. important or relevant to those who are important to you b. important or relevant to your current situation or c. necessary?  I bet most of the time you won’t say yes to any of these!

4. Admission/Evacuation.   Are you really just having a bad day and feel like there is absolutely nothing you can do?  First, admit that your day just sucked or your attitude is so crappy that you just can’t deal with the particular conversation.  Second, say you need to walk away!  This could really tick a lady off, so men, tread lightly on this one.  But if my husband said that he has such a bad day that he couldn’t talk about a particular topic at the moment, it would be so much nicer than getting a backlash of grumpy fury.  Then I know it isn’t something I did, and he can have time to decompress from other situations before I dump more on him.

Pratice combating defensiveness just like it is a sport, and when you win, everyone wins!

Women, on average, speak more than double the amount of words that men do daily. For all of the extra words I might use to explain, declare or nag my way into reaching a point of understanding with my husband, it is clear that he doesn’t see things the way I do.  If you try to make your claim in a confrontational manner, you will make him mentally shut you out or physically shut the door on his way out. (#FAIL!)

Let’s take a basic night at home. Husband has cooked dinner while wife is folding clothes and wrangling toddler. After dinner, wife does dishes, gets kid to bed, and finishes folding laundry while husband watches TV.

Husband’s perspective: Not only did I work all day, but I also came home and cooked! I know a lot of men that never do any of the cooking. I really want to watch the game.

Wife’s perspective: There is so much more to be done before I go to bed! Can’t hubby help out? He can’t do one thing, think he is a hero, and just sit on the couch the rest of the night. I worked today too.

Ensuing battle: Wife barks orders, husband wonders why he is getting beat down after cooking a fabulous meal and trying to be helpful. Wife feels like she gets no help and is exhausted. Husband feels like what he does is never good enough.

The way we communicate our needs is very important if we are to reach understanding and have others see things through our perspective.  The best way to give him my perspective is through a three-step method.

I call it the “I CHOOSE EASY” method:

#1 “I”: Start your thought with how you feel, rather than attacking your spouse’s character. This is a classic that has been used for years, but how many of us actually use it? “I would love to get this project/task done tonight…”

#2 “CHOOSE”: No is not an answer when someone is given two or more options. Give the list of what needs to be done and let him choose. “Would you like to help with the laundry or get the kid ready for bed?” P.S. Also a great toddler method, but don’t tell your spouse that!

#3 “EASY”: You can take the laundry to the couch and fold while you watch the game on TV, or the ultimate: give Dad the kid, diaper, wipes and PJs on the couch and have him go for it. (Mom taught me this one, I use it all the time. Now kid gets own supplies and takes them to Dad.)

You don’t have to do the last step all the time, but if you both recognize that you are exhausted and need help, make it easier on each other, and more fun! I don’t really think you can go wrong with this strategy. You are helping your spouse help you and there is nothing better than helping each other!

b. Pick a Fight

c. Think In Your Head How Someday He is Going to Be Sorry!

d. Whine

e. Wine

f. Try Again!

As the Nicer Wife, I currently advocate only the last two options!  I might “accidentally” do the others from time to time, but no one is perfect.

I know how hard it can be when you feel like the things you do are all in vain.  Take my first few days of Twittering my Nicer Wife project.  My first two small posts were failures!

#1.  Before I left for work one morning, in the midst of normal morning chaos and running late, I took the time to vacuum because the hubby was picking up our 2 YO from daycare since I had plans to meet a friend.  I twittered this:

“So I slacked off last night but this AM I vacuumed before work since Hubby is actually getting home first and wanted house to look nice!”

#2 Then hubby calls me and is on the road and forgot to do his fantasy lineup.  They changed to a drag and drop feature that I wasn’t used to, but I hooked him up from my work computer:

“Hubby just called while driving and I had to submit his fantasy baseball changes for him while at the office. Brownie Points!”

That night I went to see a friend I had not seen in a long time.  I found out that my effort to vacuum had failed. I  closed the bedroom doors to keep our cat out. Note here: our cat is called Dirty Kazoo!  I had actually locked the cat in our daughter’s room and he shredded the carpet by the door.  My husband called me and asked who was going to pay for it (um, you, me, us.  We are married, we are “ONE”).

The next morning I found out that I had done his fantasy baseball lineup wrong!  I insisted that I didn’t (in my normal, un-NicerWife argumentative way).

Following tweets:

“Vacuuming the house yesterday AM to be nice backfired- I ended up locking cat in room because I shut the doors and he ripped at the carpet!”

“Made the hubby coffee and a breakfast sandwich at the crack of dawn. Found out that I did his fantasy baseball wrong- I can’t win!”

Now, my husband is truly a great man (and I don’t think I am that bad of a wife either!).  I never want this blog to show otherwise, but in an effort to be NICER I have to expose the reality and humor of marriage.  It is very hard to keep going and trying when you feel like you can’t win, and when you feel like your good deeds go unnoticed!  But, these are just facts of life, and facts of marriage.  We can’t always be nice.  We are often the meanest, the most whiny and the most negative to those we love the most!

I should point out two things here.  The first is that my husband is an “Acts of Service” guy in terms of his love language.  He likes his homemaking!  The second is that I thought this project would involve doing larger, grander things.  But as a working Mom (4 days a week) I have found that just doing the little things is a project, and it is more about how I communicate with him and the little things I do that make this project work.

When I look at this project as a WHOLE, and I take away little day-to-day failures or frustrations, I know it is working.  We are getting along better than we have in a while.  Not that we weren’t (well, let’s not put on a front here, we can be like a giant roller coaster of ups and downs sometimes), but we are really getting along!  There is much less frustration on my part, because I am choosing to only have it for things that are important (marriage is a two-way street and he has to do his part too, right?)  He is better at doing his part when I am nicer at doing mine!

Last weekend I was going out with some friends on Sunday evening, just for dinner.  We had planned it months ago.  For some reason, I have more plans than normal lately that involve me going out by myself and him staying home with our daughter.  Normally I am the homebody of our relationship.  Right before I left for the dinner, I went over the three other things I had coming up.  I had already told him about all of them, which I reminded him when he seemed a little perturbed.  Old self would have normally spouted out something like “I never go out and you owe me this because you always go out, blah blah blah.”  Nicer Wife said nothing and smiled, and he said, “OK, sounds good”.   Try and try again!

I am not the nicest girl in terms of being passive, undramatic, unfiesty and easy going. I am the nicest girl when it comes to core values and family and loving  with a great wide-open heart.

And thus my challenge- to be a nicer wife. Do you think I can do it? I do! How? Think before I speak. Listen more, talk less. When the fight is over, “don’t beat a dead horse!”. Walk away if I have nothing nice to say. Say nicer things and say them outloud. Try to be less messy (OK, I might bounce this one- this is not in my nature and should have nothing to do with love, but it does have to do with creating peace and serenity, which equals some degree of happiness).  Remember my blessings. Don’t be so grumpy about silly things. Don’t pick on little things that really don’t matter.  Don’t take it personally if he doesn’t hear a word I say or respond to me (this one is a big LOL). And it goes on, but this is where I start!